Why You Struggle to Set Boundaries And Why It’s Not Your Fault

by Sharn Somasiri
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People often assume that difficulty setting boundaries comes from being “too nice,” “too soft,” or “too sensitive.”

But none of that is true.

Struggling with boundaries has very little to do with personality and everything to do with how your nervous system adapted to keep you safe.

Human beings are wired for connection. From infancy, our survival depends on staying close to caregivers, reading their emotional cues and moulding ourselves to create safety. When a child grows up in an environment where expressing needs leads to conflict, withdrawal, punishment or emotional instability, their brain learns a simple but powerful rule:

Keeping others comfortable keeps me safe.
Expressing myself puts me at risk.

This wiring becomes automatic. Even decades later, as an adult, your body may respond to boundary-setting as if you’re doing something dangerous. This isn’t a conscious choice, it’s a protective reflex deeply rooted in early experiences and reinforced by your nervous system.

When you try to say no or speak up, you might notice your chest tighten, your stomach drop, your throat close, or your mind scramble for explanations. You might feel guilt, fear, panic, or a sudden urge to backtrack. These reactions are not signs that you can’t set boundaries. They’re signs that your system was conditioned to associate boundaries with emotional risk.

This is fully supported by both attachment theory and polyvagal theory. A dysregulated nervous system interprets boundary-setting not as empowerment, but as potential loss of safety or connection. It believes you’re choosing yourself at the expense of belonging, something your younger self never would have survived.

So, of course setting boundaries feels overwhelming.
Of course your voice shakes.
Of course your body resists.

Your system is trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

This is also why forcing yourself to set boundaries rarely works. You can tell yourself to be stronger, rehearse what you want to say, or try to push through fear and yet your body overrides you every time. It’s not a mindset issue; it’s a safety issue.

Trauma-informed coaching approaches boundary struggles from the inside out. Instead of pushing you to act before you’re ready, we work with the younger, protective parts of you that learned saying “no” wasn’t safe. Techniques like inner child work, Core Transformation and NLP parts integration help rewire the internal belief that boundaries equal danger. When these inner parts begin to feel supported, validated and protected, the nervous system naturally relaxes and the fear around boundaries dissolves.

Clients often tell me that after this deeper work, boundaries that once felt terrifying suddenly feel natural, obvious and grounded. They don’t need to psych themselves up or script their words. Their body finally understands that expressing needs doesn’t threaten connection, it strengthens it. And when the internal conflict is resolved, boundaries become an extension of self-respect rather than an act of rebellion.

You don’t struggle with boundaries because you’re weak.
You struggle because a younger part of you learned that self-expression was unsafe.

But safety can be rebuilt.
Your internal wiring can change.
Your voice can return.
And when it does, boundaries stop feeling like a battle and start feeling like truth.