by Sharn SomasiriPeople-pleasing often starts as survival. As children, we learn that keeping others happy keeps us safe, emotionally and/or physically. As adults, those patterns become hardwired responses driven by the brain’s desire to avoid conflict, rejection, or discomfort.
People-pleasing is rooted in social safety wiring. The ventral vagus nerve, the part of the nervous system linked to connection, activates when we sense social harmony. When harmony feels threatened, the body triggers anxiety, pushing us to fix it.
On the surface, people-pleasing looks like kindness. But the internal cost is immense:
> Chronic anxiety
> Difficulty trusting your own choices
> Internal resentment
> Identity loss
> Emotional exhaustion
> Fear of being “too much” or “not enough”
Your brain becomes conditioned to prioritise peace over authenticity, validation over boundaries, and compliance over needs. You start living from habit rather than intention.
Breaking the pattern doesn’t require becoming “selfish”, it requires becoming self-honouring. That means recognising where your needs stop being considered and where your energy drains faster than it replenishes.
Clients often tell me they fear saying no will push people away. However, in reality, healthy relationships respect boundaries. It’s unhealthy dynamics that rely on your self-sacrifice.
The shift begins when you:
> Pause before agreeing
> Ask, “Is this my responsibility?”
> Experiment with small boundaries
> Sit with the discomfort of disappointing someone
> Notice how your anxiety decreases over time
People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait — it’s a nervous-system response. And like any response, it can be retrained.
Takeaway: Saying “no” isn’t rejection. It’s self-respect. When you stop abandoning yourself, everything in your life becomes more aligned.
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