Accepting where you are... regardless of where you are

by Catalina Ciucalau
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Buddhism says something along the lines of: Pain is a given, suffering is a choice. Am I addicted to suffering? It seems this is one of the few things I am consistent and incredibly good at. Alongside with talking for England and writing long essays.

At the moment of writing this and the reason I am writing this is because I find it extremely difficult to feel anything but doom. The more I think about it the more teary my eyes get and a tear falls down my left cheek. The pressure felt was released so the rest of the tears were demoted to the nose department and ran from there into a tissue I managed to get just in time.

Diwali weekend, fireworks being heard in the distance. Part of me feels better now and wants me to stop writing, the doom has been demoted too, all is better, stop worrying, stop writing, there is nothing else that needs to be addressed, stop looking at a screen, it is late at night, go to sleep. All this going through my head while the tension slowly builds up in my throat again.

What is it that I want to say? (another demoted tear runs through the right nostril while I think about it)

Whatever it is, it's building up in my throat. Is it more crying, more fear, more anger, helplessness?
I refuse to ask for help. I feel that I should (the magic cursed word) have everything figured out by now and be all balanced. That I am better than everyone else and should(again) be strong enough to feel good.

I distracted myself with my purpose: "Improving the world's wellbeing, one being at a time." Wrote it down on a pink post it note to stick it to my laptop so I can always see it (the previous sticky note was unsticking itself from the laptop so it was demoted) every time I use the laptop.

Demoted came a few times, quite a strong word to use for such banalities. Demoted, demoted, demoted, what else do you want me to write? I want to feel better!!!
Throat tension builds up again, let's focus on that and see where that leads. Throat tension, tension, tension. My body slowly loses all its energy and makes me want to curl up and stay in bed forever and ever. (I do love me some drama)

If the throat tension would have a voice, what would it say? The voice of my coach came up in my head. After, I need rest and water, "Allow yourself to feel all this" came up.

I allowed myself a few minutes to feel all that was present in my body. I observed the tension and tingling of the blood all over my body. Similar to that sensations my body feels after being in the cold for a while and then getting in the warm house, my body feels lethargic. Plus, I am sore from playing badminton (2h) and cycling for an hour on Friday.

Wasn't expecting to feel better after writing this. I was very caught up and blinded by my feelings.
The conclusion, my body feels tired and is in pain (slight) and my inner child decided to throw a tantrum because she's tired and I was not listening to her.

It's 11pm here. Will head off to bed and give my body and my inner child the rest they are both looking for.

Thank you hands for helping me type this, the nose appreciates it. :)