What is Codependency?

by Marion Heil
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What is co-dependency?

We humans are dependent on other humans.
There is appropriate dependency in which we respect each other and where healthy boundaries exist.

Co-dependency is different. In a co-dependent relationship things become “ambiguous”. At first, things seem to fit. As time goes by however, we find that we are saying "yes" more and more often to things that we don't really want. This can happen in personal, as well as in work relationships. More and more often we feel misunderstood. Quarrels may become more frequent but bring neither clarification nor relief. Feelings of anger and rage harden at some point into an undercurrent of resentment - helplessness turns into hopelessness, and quiet despair.

We have learned co-dependent behavior in our childhood.

Co-dependent relationships have many "different faces" and can go through different phases:

1.WORRY:
I become mentally / emotionally very involved with a particular person. I have the strong urge to worry about this person, and find myself wanting to take care of their "problem”.
This makes me feel good.

2. HOPE:
I observe and judge whether the life of the other person is going in the right direction. I spend a lot of time and energy advising and helping the other person and hope to finally be happy.

3. ANGER:
I get angry with the other person because he/she is not changing in the way I think is right. The relationship may feel more and more like an entanglement, and I may end up feeling angry, desperate, contemptuous, helpless, hopeless, even paralyzed.

The 12-Step program of CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) calls codependency a form of mental disease. For anyone discovering that their relationship problems stem from codependent behavior learned in childhood, this may be a hard pill to swallow at first. The word “dis-ease” however very appropriately expresses the atmosphere within which someone suffering from codependency exists. A medical doctor might find no physical symptoms at all. At some point though, the “mere” mental, emotional "dis-ease" may overflow, and begin to express itself in the form of a physical condition. Symptoms may range from a simple propensity for catching cold, sore throat, or receding gums, to severe conditions like general anxiety, high blood pressure, general heart problems, chronic fatigue, inflammatory bowel diseases, etc.

Codependency is a disease of compulsion and emotional addiction. Even without any physical symptoms though, anyone caught in the turmoil of codependent entanglement may ultimately find themselves developing a form of severe depression.

CoDA calls codependency a progressive disease that – if untreated – can even turn lethal. Symptoms can be treated. However, the root cause of any disease of addiction lies within, the good news being that the SOLUTION also always lies within.


As a coach helping individuals create healthy and fulfilling relationships, I realize that in addition to empathic and effective coaching, it can be extremely helpful to have the support of a powerful community of individuals who openly (though anonymously, of course) share their insights about their own codependent tendencies. This is what CoDA is - a self-help program where two or more individuals get together with the common aim of creating healthy and fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.

Whether you work on developing healthy relationships with the help of a competent and skilled coach, or by becoming part of the CoDA fellowship – or ideally both! - your desire for healthy and fulfilling relationships with yourself, and with others, is the only and most important requirement. Whether you come to a coaching session or a CoDA 12 step-meeting, you never come to blame “the other person”, you do not see your problems as “their fault”. You always come about YOU. In the safe space that coaching or a 12-step-meeting create, you raise your awareness regarding your own tendencies, thinking, as well as behavioral patterns, and then go back into your relationships where you get the chance to change – change YOU.

Instead of dwelling on “the problem” or seeking "good advice,", effective relationship coaching as well as CoDA meetings, both have you focus your attention on the SOLUTION of your problem, which is – your own thinking. The solution is called - taking responsibility for yourself. You stop focusing your attention on other people which only makes you dependent on them. You begin to take responsibility and act, rather than reacting.

This is how you find new strength and hope for your life.

Within the healthy and protected setting of competent relationship coaching or a powerful CoDA meeting, you recognize your learned, unhealthy patterns and try out new healthy behavior. By becoming honest with yourself and others, you learn to break the vicious circle of controlling and being controlled. Rather than controlling or being controlled, you find a THIRD WAY. You mature into the person you were meant to be. You learn to have the healthy and fulfilling relationships you truly want - and thus have a powerful and healing effect on the generations to follow.

How can I tell if I am co-dependent?

See if some of the following applies to you:

Is it hard for me:
- to feel what I really want
- to take my needs as seriously as the needs as the needs of others
- to make decisions, I always find myself asking "Which is wrong?", “Which is "right”?
- to say "no„ to other people’s requests
- to accept when others do not follow my well-intentioned advice
- to accept praise

Are there many problems in my relationships?
Are there always quarrels and misunderstandings, endless conversations that go round in circles?
Do I have feelings of frustration, meaninglessness, hopelessness, or resentment?
Do I or the other feel like „The Victim" and „The Perpetrator“?

Is there unsolicited advice and paternalism in my relationship?

Do I (secretly) want:
- to finally be „recognized“,
- to feel "needed", or do I otherwise feel insecure or worthless?
- that others, my partner, my children, my colleagues do what I say so that everything works out "just right“?
- to feel like I am the "good girl", the "good boy“?

Finally, here is a link leading to the homepage of CoDA.org, specifically their list of “Patterns and Characteristics of Dependency” –

https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/Patterns-Characteristics-2011.pdf

The road to healthy and fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others always lies right before us. All it takes is the first step.

Marion Heil
Copyright 2023