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Why do we find saying 'No' ... so hard?

Coach Leonie Morris by Leonie Morris
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I am a creature of habit. My whole life has been an education in making others happy, in pleasing people ... and mostly that's fine. Making others happy gives me happy thoughts too.

This cycle means I am a 'yes' girl. I find it so much easier to see someone's widening smile when I agree ... rather than disappointment or a frown if I were to say no. This doesn't make me a bad person ... but what I've realised is saying 'yes' ... is not always the long term happy option. Not for me, nor for the recipient.
So what stops me from a simple 'No' ?

The short answer ... 'my thinking'

- I want to please
- I don't want to cause upset
- I don't want the asker not to like me
- I want to be seen as super capable
- I don't want to let people down
- I'm not sure what I want

A confusing tirade of 'I do's and I dont's'. Fuzzy thinking causing an onslaught of unhelpful emotions. Emotions that are more and more disabling the longer I hold on to them

The good news is ... my thinking is 'mine' ... I know my thoughts aren't telling me anything other than 'what goggles I happen to be wearing at the time' ... obligation goggles, desire to please goggles, resentment goggles. My thoughts are not telling me about me, they know nothing of my situation. It does not serve me to hold on to these thoughts, or to use them as a means of analysing the situation

Knowing this is so helpful. Letting go of my personal thinking takes me back to a calmer place. Back to a place of innate wellbeing and in touch with a great wisdom

I know that we all live in our own thought created experience of the world. We each have our own unique perspective of what's going on, moment to moment. This means I don't even know what's on other people's minds. I don't know what their 'narrative' is. They could be hoping as much for a 'no' as for a 'yes'.
Responding to any request or situation with this clarity allows me to be true to myself, and to my convictions. It helps me to maintain my own focus. It means I'm open and non-judgemental to each and any request. It means I know exactly how to ask the right questions to see in to another person's world. I can say 'no' with respect, in a way that is situational and not personal, in a way that means 'yes' for me, and opens up new possibilities to the asker.

And .... no more wasted time worrying about the 'awful NO word'!


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