When I first arrived in the UK after years of traveling, I thought to myself: “I am ready for love”. Yet it took me a whole five years from that moment in time that I finally found it.
In hindsight I can now clearly see that there were various blocks I needed to work through. At first it was a whole bunch and as the pile got smaller and smaller it was more like having a telephone number, but getting it in the right order.
Eventually I reached out for help, because when you´re in the picture, you can´t look at it from the outside and at that point I just wanted to figure out what was holding me back and then move towards my future as fast as humanly possible.
During the five years of soul searching I came across seven key blocks that can potentially hold us back, which I will share with you now.
1. Why should you let go of control?
When going out into the dating world, I want you to be aware that you cannot control the outcome and letting go of that idea will free you and the other person from unnecessary tension. Going into this with a mentality of fun will help you hugely. Trusting in life and believing that you for sure will find the right partner for you is a way of being that will prevent you from being overly disappointed when your love life doesn´t take off immediately. Working on believing that love is happening for you for sure, rather than controlling when or how it is going to happen is where you can put your focus.
Wayne Dyer: “You´ll see it, when you believe it.”
2. Why you should NOT look for perfection.
We all are human beings with flaws. There is nothing wrong with knowing what type of person you want to date and what works for you. An issue arises only if you are looking for a rather flawless creature, because they do not exist. We have all come here on a journey of growth, which means we all have our fair share to learn and we do largely learn through our mistakes.
Being in a romantic relationship and accepting our partners imperfections as well as our own, makes us more humble and understanding. Yet if we are not open to being with someone who has flaws, we may miss an opportunity for wisdom as well as the joys of being in love.
3. Why worthiness is key.
When you don´t believe you are worthy of a loving partner, you won´t allow one into your life. Your brain is always looking for evidence to prove you right and if your subconscious belief is “I am not worthy”, then it will either make sure that you stay single or it will present you with experiences that confirm that you are not worthy.
For example you may end up with partners who disrespect you. This is not because you deserve disrespect, this is simply your brain proving your beliefs right. You can find evidence for whatever you wish to believe in. It is a matter of where you put your focus, where you direct your brainpower.
Tony Robbins: “Where focus goes, energy flows.”
4. Why confidence attracts us all.
When you lack confidence, you lack attraction. Men and women are both equally attracted to individuals who believe in themselves. When you come across as desperate, you lose your potential partners attention. What the scarcity principle states is that options and opportunities that are rare, are more attractive. What that means is that when you come across as unique and you believe in yourself whilst being authentic, you will be perceived as desirable. Self confidence is a feeling that can be produced by thinking confidence thoughts. You do not need to be a naturally confident person, you can simply practice confidence.
5. How does your parents relationship influence your own?
Our parents relationship is our first introduction to the world of love. When we are born, we observe our surroundings “as is” without questioning. The way our parents interact with each other and us is absorbed rather than examined.
If we did not see our parents interact with kindness and if we did not experience open communication, we may be wanting love, but attracting the opposite. This is because we more often than not choose what is familiar even if pain is familiar. This may be happening in a subconscious way, yet if you are unsure about it, simply ask yourself: “What have my results been so far?” If you do not know what is going on in your subconscious mind, always look at your life for evidence.
If you did not have a positive example of a relationship growing up, you can change what you attract by working through your past and changing your believe systems.
6. Is baggage from previous relationships holding you back?
Most of us have had one or more upsetting relationship experiences when it comes to our past. These wounds can root deep and hold us back from entering a new partnership or cause issues in an existing one.
Oftentimes when a relationship ends we receive well intended advice like: “Don´t be sad, you´ll meet someone new.” or “You deserve better.” The challenge with that guidance is that: 1. it discourages you from allowing your feelings fully and 2. it indicates that the error lies with your ex partner.
Let´s elaborate point 1: it is so important for you to feel your emotions all the way through, because when you don´t, these emotions stay with you and can trigger you. All emotions want to be felt, not be suppressed.
And point 2: Nobody is helped by finger pointing. As we have already established earlier is that we are all flawed. Therefor it may temporarily feel good to gossip, but not in the long run. Focussing on yourself and what you have learned from this experience will be much more helpful to you.
7. What part plays male and female energy?
Being independent and successful as a woman is a fantastic trait, only when it comes to dating our energies can get in the way of our happiness. If a woman brings the same assertive energy to a date that she does to work, a man can feel as though they are not needed.
On the other hand, a man who lacks assertiveness can come across as someone women are not attracted to.
This is not to say that men or women should behave gender like, but more so that an awareness of male and female energy can be key to understanding why or why not attraction is created.
Walk towards the future you deserve.
If you saw yourself in one or more paragraphs, simply dig deeper and do some soul searching. Ask yourself: What do I need, to move past this? Journaling; meditating; speaking to a friend, therapist or coach could help you. We often assume that we need to deal with challenges on our own, yet that is far from the truth.