I remember vividly how it was like to live in that lost and small village in Romania. I told you I was raised by my grandmother from age 8, and she wasn’t particularly loving towards us (my two sisters and I). She was resisting her reality very much, and this is what I learned from her, that life is really hard, and we have to take the chance when it comes, and we should take more then what we need when there is an option, as “we never know what will happen tomorrow”. This has engrained this scarcity mindset in me, where there were “them” the rich and us, the “the poor”. And we “should be really kind to the reach people so they can spare us, whatever they don’t need anymore. Like me, many others have been thought that there are not enough resources out there, and we should be really mindful of what we earn and what we spend, and the reason we don’t have enough is almost always because we are lazy or not smart enough, we were blamed for being poor, which made things even worse. I don’t know if you can relate, I used to hate when waiters would check out the kind of clothes, I was wearing to have an idea of how rich I was, or if I was worth of extra attention or special treatment. I used to fantasize about having so much money one day and show these people “who is the boss”. I got really frustrated as I could only see my worth through material possessions. So, I really “tried” to act like I was ok with my life situation, but the uncomfortable feeling of not being enough or not having enough was always there hunting me all the time. Imagine how hard it was for me to start any relationship feeling inferior to pretty much everyone I encounter, and the only thing could bring me some relief, would be when I’d see someone who has it a lot worse. Then I could play being the rich and spare a couple of pounds and feel strong and empowered or feel better about myself. Pretty sad, right? If I look back, now I understand the lesson I had to learn, but being in that situation made me feel that life is really unfair, and I could not understand why I do have it so hard and others so easy? Because I wanted so much to be accepted and loved, I’d kind of enter this silly game when I’d go someplace new and take on this persona of a super-confident women and spend more money than I normally would, just so I can cause an impression of someone rich. I know, sounds pretty silly, but these little games gave me a taste of what is possible to feel, when you are happy with yourself, and also gave me something to look forward to, a reason to keep fighting. Because this is how I use to see life, a struggle. Growing up with this mindset was quite limiting for me on many levels, because I knew I was worthy only if I make more money, have a wonderful degree or be special in some way or another. My idea of success was probably like yours: if you had it hard up until now, you need to sacrifice yourself another bit, so you can save up some money and then buy something super expensive or start a business to prove your worthiness.
If I look back, I can understand that it was never about money. It was my abandonment issues triggered by my mother when she left us alone several times at a very early age, but that’s a story for another time. From there I understood that I had to perform in a way or another to be deserving of love, because just as I was it wasn’t enough, otherwise she would’ve left. You see? The problem isn’t always where you look, and sometimes it’s not so obvious where you have to look. That is why is good to work with a professional so you can uncover the real blockages and free yourself from the cage you have created. It’s time to break free! To be yourself and to allow good things to come into your life. When you start the journey of self-discovery, it can and surely will be very painful, because you will encounter all the shadows whose existence you have denied and all the parts of you, you wish it didn’t exist. But you know already: there is a time for suffering and there is a time for joy and happiness. Life is like this! You can’t escape any, both suffering and happiness are part of our human experience, the only thing we can change is the way we look at things and the actions we take. Pretty simple and it can also be easy when you truly know yourself and accept every aspect of your being. With this story I’m not trying to discourage you to pursue a successful career, whatever you wish to do, should bring you joy and peace otherwise is not worth your efforts.
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