“He doesn’t deserve it!!”
“He is a b*!! I wanna ruin his life!”
“He cheated on me; I am gonna make his life miserable!”
“I don’t want him to see my child!” (Hey! Unless he is a monster, he has the same right as you to see his child”).
Ok, I was giving some examples above.
Let’s get to the point now and understand the reasons why it is essential for both your health and your child’s health to keep a good relationship with the father. You can’t put him away from your child’s life, unless there is a valid reason, a really compelling reason, to do that.
We are not considering extreme cases here. Hence you can keep reading.
Take a deep breath and read my words; maybe you won’t agree with me. I don’t ask you to agree with my thoughts; I am just asking you to consider them ????
I am aware of how a relationship with your ex and your kid’s father can reach levels of high complexity.
1- You offer an alternative to your kid, even if there is something you don't like with your kid’s father behaviour, keep in mind that you present to your kid an option. Feeling frustrated sometimes is part of the game. I wouldn't say I like it. However, I must learn how to keep control of this frustration and move on. I am responsible for just 50% of the relationship. My effort can only reach 50%. I like it or not. To increase this value, I can lead by example. Being confident, polite and being careful not to fall in the conflict with the ex, are key indicators of your good example. Your kid will notice it, also. A calm and civil relationship is beneficial for your kid. Better to show him how to avoid the conflict creating a healthy environment with his father. Put the anger away. You already split up, so why do you need to keep the battle with your ex ongoing? – No excuses! Even if he did cheat on you. Remember that you need to move on looking for your inner peace.
He does not want to know about his child? Fair enough. Don’t get angry and carry on. If the time that your kid is spending with his father is affecting him negatively, ask for legal advice.
2- The family value can persist even if a couple is not together anymore. I just said that there is no need to keep the disagreements after the relationship ended. You split up, let’s move on woman! You can still teach the family value even after the relationship with your kid’s father finishes. It is essential to show your kid that mommy and daddy are fine together even if they don’t live together anymore and make sure your ex gets the same message as well. Remember: lead by example. Don’t wait for him; it is an excuse. Just do it! Also, be persistent.
3- “It is not just about my ex, but it is his family as well. I can’t handle them!”. I see you, I really do. People, especially if they are part of the family, like to give their opinion (anyway and anyhow) even if no one is asking them to do so. I like to call them “The Opinionator” (check my article about them LOL!) My suggestion is to let them talk, react with politeness and follow, anyway, what you want. If they cross the limit, it might happen, make your point. Your priority is to keep a good relationship with your ex, first. If his family does want to collaborate is not your problem. Make sure the time they spend with your kid is valuable, and you should care about this.
I am bringing on the plate my own experience and despite what people told me and keep telling me about my choice – do not expect that everyone will agree with you. However, it is your own life and your kid’s life we are talking here. You will always have “The Opinionator” around you. Who cares! ???? -.
I do remember that when I split up with my kid’s father, I had in my mind that I had to find the right way to keep a good relationship with him and my son did not need to pay for adult mistakes. So, f* the anger, I found the energies to put myself on the right track and follow it. I would be a liar to say this is a natural process… No, it is not! So sometimes you run by yourself in this. Just keep going. You are brave, and you are taking the most challenging path (the conflict is the easy one).
Live, Laugh, Love…
So Lead by example!
If you want to tell me about your story, I am happy to listen to you. Send me an email to:
I am Marika Carrone, a Certified Life Skills Coach specialised in helping women on how to move on from bad relationships and how to deal with big changes in life. I am happy to welcome you in a free introductory session, reach me out today.