Going through a major breakup is one of the toughest things that can happen to you emotionally.
You spent several months or years trying new things, attending family events, cooking and sleeping together. Then one day it is all over and you can find yourself in the unknown.
How are you going to fill your time? How will I sleep alone? When am I going to have sex again?
A whirlwind of questions fill your head and it can be quite overwhelming. Your first instinct is normally to call your former partner and try and work it out. Sometimes this works but most of the time it does not.
Always remember that you broke up for a reason.
One person was no longer feeling it or both of you were no longer feeling it. In the former, the person who got dumped is obviously going to feel this harder. Their natural, instinctual thought process is going to be was it my fault?
Chances are ladies and gentlemen that it probably was. Over time we can become lazy and complacent. Not just with our partners but with our lives. The passion dwindles and you start to take each other for granted.
Sometimes if both partners are willing to try they can re-ignite the love by focusing solely on meeting each other’s needs. In Gary Chapmans book, “The 5 Love Languages” he states that the ‘in love’ phase only lasts around 2 years. After that love becomes a choice. You can CHOOSE to work hard to make your partner happy or you can break up.
Although the chances are when you meet someone new then the cycle starts again and you jump from relationship to relationship every couple of years without ever addressing that you can actively play your part to make love a CHOICE.
But if a breakup is the direction you want to go here are my 5 steps to ensure you can move forward in a healthy way:
1. Grieve properly – Most people suffer breakups much longer than they should because the pretend like everything is OK. This is especially true for men. We are taught that being emotional is wrong and not masculine. However, emotional trauma requires grief so it is important that you become present with your emotions and grieve in whatever way feels comfortable for you. You may want to cry into a pillow a few times a week or talk about it with a close friend
2. Do not call or text – This is especially true if you are the ‘breakee’. Because this wasn’t what you wanted you are naturally going to be hurt, angry, resentful and become obsessed with figuring out why. Don’t do it. You diminish any self-respect you once had and further confirm to the ‘breaker’ why they broke it off. Becoming needy and insecure doesn’t make them want you more – it makes them want you less. Your love is no longer healthy – it has become an unhealthy attachment if you do not give the other person the space they need. If THEY call YOU then it is acceptable to meet up and see where you are at. Otherwise, start moving on.
3. Start filling your life up again – When we get into a long-term relationship it is natural that we become complacent with our lives as well as our partners. When you meet, you both having exciting lives and complement each other nicely. After a long stint of time together, marriage or kids can get in the way and you stop that exciting life you once had – giving up hobbies, passions and a social life in the process. Take up some old or start some new hobbies or passions, hit the gym to get healthy and meet people, take a course / class and get out of the house with great friends. Being around positivity will help. Just start saying yes.
4. Start dating – At this stage the heart is still grieving and repairing but it is important to start dating again. This doesn’t have to be anything serious but getting out of the house and meeting some potential romantic interests put a smile on your face and make you feel better. As humans, we all crave intimacy and having regular sex is important for our physical health as it is our emotional health.
5. Give it time – Time is the ultimate healer for any breakup. If you start to fill your life with circumstances and people you love along with a few dates here and there – the time will flow by effortlessly. You will, of course, miss the other person from time to time but it is great to use the time wisely to re-connect with yourself and figure out what you want.
If you see the other person be friendly, playful and joke around like you always did. There is no need for awkwardness or embarrassment.
One thing I’ve found about myself is the more relationships I’ve been in, the easier a break up becomes each time. When you can love in a healthy manor and truly want the best for someone else regardless of whether they are with you or not – that is real love in my opinion.
Sometimes things just run their course. This can be said for romantic, friend and business relationships. Send them love and move on.